Yeah. Just for a long time.
Cruise on the highway nonstop. It would be nice. Like a long road trip.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I Am a Defective Product of American Society
More on this later. I just thought it was a good title and I wanted to write it down.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Hi I'm Chris Hawkins With Dateline NBC
Alright so I'm sitting in bed at my cousins house with him being asleep and me trying to find a ticket home. No luck so far.
O well.
Wow. I just realized I'm more self-conscious than a smoker addicted to cigarettes. Ha? No. Don't worry that was just a petty analogy that would somehow cross your mind and "make sense". It probably didn't work but that's your problem not mine. So I recently discovered that writing notes on your hand is a lot better than reading from a screen. Which the credit all goes to Sarah Palin. Though the thing is she isn't the first one to do that. Kids in high school do it all the time, like to remember something, to remember something for a test, to remember something during a test, but I digress.
So. I've decided that I am going to go to a tea party rally. I have been so interested to experience the crazy first hand (not pun intended to my last remark). But is it safe to call them all crazy? Well duh, and I hope to confirm that when I go to the rally on tax day. Am I going to be disrespectful to people? Well someone needs to stand up for the guy who was mocked a scorn because he had Parkinson's disease. Don't believe me? Well here take a look yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ik4f1dRbP8
See? Sickening. Trust me I can provide so much more that justifies my reasoning (I think I'm going to make the word "justify" taboo for me now to say).
Anyways yes, I want to go to one of the rally's to well. Poke some fun. Cause mischief. Hey its what I do. I'm cynical that way. How am I going to do it? Well making sure I bring my brain with me as well as a funny sign like "I once too spelled a sign wrong" or "Free high fives" or even better which is "OMG I LOVE NOT HAVING HEALTH CARE" which would have a little * next to it that says "Sarcasm intended".
Alright I really need to get to bed. I'm tired (yet not).
Good night. And Good Luck.
O well.
Wow. I just realized I'm more self-conscious than a smoker addicted to cigarettes. Ha? No. Don't worry that was just a petty analogy that would somehow cross your mind and "make sense". It probably didn't work but that's your problem not mine. So I recently discovered that writing notes on your hand is a lot better than reading from a screen. Which the credit all goes to Sarah Palin. Though the thing is she isn't the first one to do that. Kids in high school do it all the time, like to remember something, to remember something for a test, to remember something during a test, but I digress.
So. I've decided that I am going to go to a tea party rally. I have been so interested to experience the crazy first hand (not pun intended to my last remark). But is it safe to call them all crazy? Well duh, and I hope to confirm that when I go to the rally on tax day. Am I going to be disrespectful to people? Well someone needs to stand up for the guy who was mocked a scorn because he had Parkinson's disease. Don't believe me? Well here take a look yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ik4f1dRbP8
See? Sickening. Trust me I can provide so much more that justifies my reasoning (I think I'm going to make the word "justify" taboo for me now to say).
Anyways yes, I want to go to one of the rally's to well. Poke some fun. Cause mischief. Hey its what I do. I'm cynical that way. How am I going to do it? Well making sure I bring my brain with me as well as a funny sign like "I once too spelled a sign wrong" or "Free high fives" or even better which is "OMG I LOVE NOT HAVING HEALTH CARE" which would have a little * next to it that says "Sarcasm intended".
Alright I really need to get to bed. I'm tired (yet not).
Good night. And Good Luck.
One Time Too Many
I'm going to voice this to anyone that stands in my way and I'm tired of it. I literally am losing everything I value.
You want a list? No. You don't yet I don't give a shit. I don't care who reads this why? Because this is the last time I'm going to say it.
I have lost the cabin.
A best friend.
My ability to reason
My health
My house
My faith in trust
Being able to care
My trust in my Fraternity
Being able to take criticism
My religion
My car
My motivation
Hope
Comfort
The list goes on. There's an explanation to it all. Yet. Can I say anything to anyone? No. I have spared any sense to justify this. Why? Because I'm tired of it all. I have internalized this because all I ever hear from anyone is the same damn thing. Everyone sounds the same.
I bunch everyone together because any voice that could possibly stand out is overshadowed, it becomes weak and unable to be heard, because I have heard it all.
Can someone tell me something that I haven't already thought about? No. I sit here thinking if only someone could understand me, and I've tried that. I've tried to make someone understand me. Yet. Even that is gone.
I give up on trying to spell out my name to someone because I'm just "one with problems" and everyone has them.
But for once in a Blue Moon can someone just step back from everything that they stand on, and step onto what is crumbling beneath me. Just to understand what I'm going through. To be there to talk. To listen. To not judge. Can someone do the fucking same thing I have been trying to do for other people?
For all of my life. I never cared about my problems when someone else's came into view. I let myself go away from what I was going through, and it didn't matter what. I was unconditional to people. It just didn't matter to me what was going on inside if it ment that person would be given a silver lining of comfort.
Parents can only do so much. I can only say so many things to prevent them from being parents at the moment and just an individual. I cannot talk about everything because I "know" what will be said. I know the type of criticism. I know the type of advice.
This is breaking me. The very thing I stand for. The very things I value. Are crumbling beneath me. Yet all this time I tried to step away from it, because the people that were close to me were the ones I valued. I didn't have to move from where I was. Because being selfless was the very thing I stood upon. Now I see no reason to follow my personalitie's orders, because it didn't work. It hasn't worked.
I can go forever. Explaining every single fucking piece of this blog because I always have to "justify" everything. I always have to literally break down every single thing that I do to speak of it because all that comes at me is falling against me. I always feel like I have to fight back.
It's getting ridiculous. For there once was a time that all if this was just "me". I didn't have to reveal a back story behind it. I didn't have to explain it. I didn't have to justify it.
That time is gone. I'm not even making sense with what I write because I'll always have to explain it later.
Thank you everyone for creating a cold fake shell of me. When you see me being happy. It's because I literally have watched everything slipped from my hands and go out of my control.
When you see me in a good mood. It's because I'm sick of people criticizing my problems. I'm sick of people not being able to empathize. [Yet at one time. This did not matter. I did not care about this. Yet it has become to prevalent that it cannot be ignored.]
Every action I take comes back against me. Everything that I try to hold onto literally falls away. I am speaking from experience. Of what is yet to come. Its so demoralizing that I feel like I cannot attach myself to anything at this point. Because all good things come to an end.
Literally anything that could go wrong in my life. Went wrong. Yet why do you care? Because I don't. You want to reach your hand out to me? Well. I probably wont reach back. I'll just sit here with my arms crossed not even wanting to look at you in the eye. Why? Because I already know how you will look back at me. I already know what would be said to me. I already know what will be criticized. I already know what will be justified. I already know when your going to fall away.
Again. I speak from experience. I can say "try again". But for once. Will anyone just listen and not judge? Just listen and tell me something I don't know. Because you can. There are a lot of things I don't know and I'm glad that I don't. I'm blinded when it comes to many solutions. I am blinded when it comes to being comforted. That I realize are the only things that are best to hold onto, which is what I can't see. This might save me. For if I go on like this. Expect me to change a lot, expect me to have a different outlook on the world, expect me to become unrecognizable.
Which those things I am afraid of most. Yet if the dice keeps rolling like this. Well, all I can say is, I warned you. And trust me. I'm going to fight it. But if it happens, then that sucks for me. Not you.
Expect this to be edited a lot. It's 3:39 and I'm quite out of it. But what has been said. Is the base of all things that torment me.
Right now. I'm not on anybody's side. So good luck. Because I'll need it.
One last note. This post will be added on edited and whatnot, because I'm not going to post anything else that relates to me in this matter. For your benefit and....well for your benefit (see what I mean?). From now on. You will only see a figment of me, filled with happy thoughts and funny stories. Just realize that it's going to be an illusion that casts the real me aside for now. And here. I'll show you how easy I can create it. Just look at the post above.
You want a list? No. You don't yet I don't give a shit. I don't care who reads this why? Because this is the last time I'm going to say it.
I have lost the cabin.
A best friend.
My ability to reason
My health
My house
My faith in trust
Being able to care
My trust in my Fraternity
Being able to take criticism
My religion
My car
My motivation
Hope
Comfort
The list goes on. There's an explanation to it all. Yet. Can I say anything to anyone? No. I have spared any sense to justify this. Why? Because I'm tired of it all. I have internalized this because all I ever hear from anyone is the same damn thing. Everyone sounds the same.
I bunch everyone together because any voice that could possibly stand out is overshadowed, it becomes weak and unable to be heard, because I have heard it all.
Can someone tell me something that I haven't already thought about? No. I sit here thinking if only someone could understand me, and I've tried that. I've tried to make someone understand me. Yet. Even that is gone.
I give up on trying to spell out my name to someone because I'm just "one with problems" and everyone has them.
But for once in a Blue Moon can someone just step back from everything that they stand on, and step onto what is crumbling beneath me. Just to understand what I'm going through. To be there to talk. To listen. To not judge. Can someone do the fucking same thing I have been trying to do for other people?
For all of my life. I never cared about my problems when someone else's came into view. I let myself go away from what I was going through, and it didn't matter what. I was unconditional to people. It just didn't matter to me what was going on inside if it ment that person would be given a silver lining of comfort.
Parents can only do so much. I can only say so many things to prevent them from being parents at the moment and just an individual. I cannot talk about everything because I "know" what will be said. I know the type of criticism. I know the type of advice.
This is breaking me. The very thing I stand for. The very things I value. Are crumbling beneath me. Yet all this time I tried to step away from it, because the people that were close to me were the ones I valued. I didn't have to move from where I was. Because being selfless was the very thing I stood upon. Now I see no reason to follow my personalitie's orders, because it didn't work. It hasn't worked.
I can go forever. Explaining every single fucking piece of this blog because I always have to "justify" everything. I always have to literally break down every single thing that I do to speak of it because all that comes at me is falling against me. I always feel like I have to fight back.
It's getting ridiculous. For there once was a time that all if this was just "me". I didn't have to reveal a back story behind it. I didn't have to explain it. I didn't have to justify it.
That time is gone. I'm not even making sense with what I write because I'll always have to explain it later.
Thank you everyone for creating a cold fake shell of me. When you see me being happy. It's because I literally have watched everything slipped from my hands and go out of my control.
When you see me in a good mood. It's because I'm sick of people criticizing my problems. I'm sick of people not being able to empathize. [Yet at one time. This did not matter. I did not care about this. Yet it has become to prevalent that it cannot be ignored.]
Every action I take comes back against me. Everything that I try to hold onto literally falls away. I am speaking from experience. Of what is yet to come. Its so demoralizing that I feel like I cannot attach myself to anything at this point. Because all good things come to an end.
Literally anything that could go wrong in my life. Went wrong. Yet why do you care? Because I don't. You want to reach your hand out to me? Well. I probably wont reach back. I'll just sit here with my arms crossed not even wanting to look at you in the eye. Why? Because I already know how you will look back at me. I already know what would be said to me. I already know what will be criticized. I already know what will be justified. I already know when your going to fall away.
Again. I speak from experience. I can say "try again". But for once. Will anyone just listen and not judge? Just listen and tell me something I don't know. Because you can. There are a lot of things I don't know and I'm glad that I don't. I'm blinded when it comes to many solutions. I am blinded when it comes to being comforted. That I realize are the only things that are best to hold onto, which is what I can't see. This might save me. For if I go on like this. Expect me to change a lot, expect me to have a different outlook on the world, expect me to become unrecognizable.
Which those things I am afraid of most. Yet if the dice keeps rolling like this. Well, all I can say is, I warned you. And trust me. I'm going to fight it. But if it happens, then that sucks for me. Not you.
Expect this to be edited a lot. It's 3:39 and I'm quite out of it. But what has been said. Is the base of all things that torment me.
Right now. I'm not on anybody's side. So good luck. Because I'll need it.
One last note. This post will be added on edited and whatnot, because I'm not going to post anything else that relates to me in this matter. For your benefit and....well for your benefit (see what I mean?). From now on. You will only see a figment of me, filled with happy thoughts and funny stories. Just realize that it's going to be an illusion that casts the real me aside for now. And here. I'll show you how easy I can create it. Just look at the post above.
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Last of the Wilds
I hate being angry, I hate being frustrated. I drives me, it pains me.
I can hide it and have a good time as the days pass, but at the end of it all, I feel like I just want to punch a wall.
It's a sickly feeling, stuck in my stomach. I don't know how to describe it, but the situations I am in. It's a clusterfuck. It's situations that is making me go crazy, because I don't know how to resolve it.
Honestly, the one person I could go, is now part of the problem. I keep every day off my shoulder, hoping I can just get by. Yet it beats me down, and I don't know how to get back up.
It will resolve itself eventually, yet I want to resolve it with the least scars as possible. It would be nice.
Even Alice in Wonderland would be shaking her head to how fucked up this story is...
I can't be driven by anger. I'm too much of a caring person to live by that fact. Yet its taking over me.
But don't think this is something thats preaching like "Oh gawd someone help me I can't hold on any longer"
no. im strong. its just difficult. a lot of people know these situations and how hard it is to get out of. so i just keep going. i reason. i rationalize. i listen. i learn. i resolve it.
its because i have a heart, though it may be cold. it still beats. one day it will warm up again. but that day is lost in the fog at the moment. so its just a matter of striving forward. keeping strong.
because even the people you thought were close to you can be the furthest away sometimes...
sad.
I can hide it and have a good time as the days pass, but at the end of it all, I feel like I just want to punch a wall.
It's a sickly feeling, stuck in my stomach. I don't know how to describe it, but the situations I am in. It's a clusterfuck. It's situations that is making me go crazy, because I don't know how to resolve it.
Honestly, the one person I could go, is now part of the problem. I keep every day off my shoulder, hoping I can just get by. Yet it beats me down, and I don't know how to get back up.
It will resolve itself eventually, yet I want to resolve it with the least scars as possible. It would be nice.
Even Alice in Wonderland would be shaking her head to how fucked up this story is...
I can't be driven by anger. I'm too much of a caring person to live by that fact. Yet its taking over me.
But don't think this is something thats preaching like "Oh gawd someone help me I can't hold on any longer"
no. im strong. its just difficult. a lot of people know these situations and how hard it is to get out of. so i just keep going. i reason. i rationalize. i listen. i learn. i resolve it.
its because i have a heart, though it may be cold. it still beats. one day it will warm up again. but that day is lost in the fog at the moment. so its just a matter of striving forward. keeping strong.
because even the people you thought were close to you can be the furthest away sometimes...
sad.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
It's All Tangible [7]
So I must change direction in this blog. I cannot continue to write my feelings because they all resolve to the same thing.
I will write one more thing about my situation. But not now. It's more of a perception of what is going to be changing a lot in a few days time.
Which now I will get back to reading my philosophy as I have a test tomorrow.
Cheers.
I will write one more thing about my situation. But not now. It's more of a perception of what is going to be changing a lot in a few days time.
Which now I will get back to reading my philosophy as I have a test tomorrow.
Cheers.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
That Is My Fucking Reason
You just said you want to know whats on my mind. You just said you hated what I told you. You didn't like the fact that I knew something about you and Derick. The thing is. That's whats on my mind. I don't live to think about those things. It was a mechanical click that pieced another fucking puzzle.
I don't live to need to know those things. That's just who I am. I'm sorry if I figure things out that you don't want me to know. The thing is this:
Living to tell people about who they are is not something I like to do. Why? Because I don't need to have people telling me who I am.
And that's why I fucking keep it from you.
I don't live to need to know those things. That's just who I am. I'm sorry if I figure things out that you don't want me to know. The thing is this:
Living to tell people about who they are is not something I like to do. Why? Because I don't need to have people telling me who I am.
And that's why I fucking keep it from you.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Hologram
Another 5 Am blog post. Swell.
Just got done watching a few episodes of Weeds (TV show) and I still don't feel tired.
Kinda sucks.
It's Sunday and hopefully I wont sleep the day away. Again.
Hmmm.
I wonder. It kind of makes it hard to piece together a puzzle when you can't even make out the individual shapes to put together. So that's where I stand right now. It's more right now to the point where I sit here waiting to see what I have to appear, before I can even know what to do with it.
I'm to much of someone who needs a plan and to set out every individual thing to make sure I know where I'm going.
Oh well.
Just got done watching a few episodes of Weeds (TV show) and I still don't feel tired.
Kinda sucks.
It's Sunday and hopefully I wont sleep the day away. Again.
Hmmm.
I wonder. It kind of makes it hard to piece together a puzzle when you can't even make out the individual shapes to put together. So that's where I stand right now. It's more right now to the point where I sit here waiting to see what I have to appear, before I can even know what to do with it.
I'm to much of someone who needs a plan and to set out every individual thing to make sure I know where I'm going.
Oh well.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Symptoms of a Cold Shell
The latent lies that reach no beginning
To calm the morrow of a patient past
Brings upon a being of virtuous sort
That only shows a shivering tale
Through the gracious redemer that cries a flaw
For he who falls, confused of its maker
Lying there remembering above
Which he ascends when the balance returns
Alas in the present is realities home
He thinks in the eyes of the future
Holding on to a sliver of hope
For the better ignoring his misery
To calm the morrow of a patient past
Brings upon a being of virtuous sort
That only shows a shivering tale
Through the gracious redemer that cries a flaw
For he who falls, confused of its maker
Lying there remembering above
Which he ascends when the balance returns
Alas in the present is realities home
He thinks in the eyes of the future
Holding on to a sliver of hope
For the better ignoring his misery
Still Feel Like Shit
Oh yes. I am writing this at 6:00 AM. Can't sleep. Again.
It's lovely how my mind likes to take up my time to think about the things that cause me emotional pain.
I can only guess at this point that I'm still shitfaced emotionally. It's sad really. I wish this was all a big fluke. I wish something would be said to make me feel stupid, because when you feel stupid. You know that reality had just smacked you in the face.
Hopefully I'm wrong about the things I'm thinking but my mind is jumping to too many conclusions that I just can't comprehend.
I'm baffled. Very. How can I be so stupid.
I'm not going to reference directly to my problem(s). But seriously. Why can't things go back to the way they were. If this keeps going on. I'm going to do something reckless and regret it.
Please. I want to be the same person I was.
It's great being a sensitive bastard knowing he is always going to walk into something like this.
You know what the meanest thing I could say about this? A piece of advice that I really wish that was given to me?
Well. I'm not going to say it right now. I want to see if it is proven true first, and I hope to....well I just hope that it doesn't come true and that I'm wrong. I just hope.
/end
It's lovely how my mind likes to take up my time to think about the things that cause me emotional pain.
I can only guess at this point that I'm still shitfaced emotionally. It's sad really. I wish this was all a big fluke. I wish something would be said to make me feel stupid, because when you feel stupid. You know that reality had just smacked you in the face.
Hopefully I'm wrong about the things I'm thinking but my mind is jumping to too many conclusions that I just can't comprehend.
I'm baffled. Very. How can I be so stupid.
I'm not going to reference directly to my problem(s). But seriously. Why can't things go back to the way they were. If this keeps going on. I'm going to do something reckless and regret it.
Please. I want to be the same person I was.
It's great being a sensitive bastard knowing he is always going to walk into something like this.
You know what the meanest thing I could say about this? A piece of advice that I really wish that was given to me?
Well. I'm not going to say it right now. I want to see if it is proven true first, and I hope to....well I just hope that it doesn't come true and that I'm wrong. I just hope.
/end
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Who Am I?
To discern the fact that the development of the mind and body is what determines who we are. They both mature at different paces sometimes conflicting with each other. My own well being subjected with my placement in this world makes me somewhat weary. I, over time, have isolated my standing relationship with the world, which causes me to be away from its judgment. Though, the world tends to trick me, it erases its presence and hides its hideous mark in my life only to form an entity, a mind and body of its own.
This disguise presents this entity that is complimented by a mind and body to become a being of self thought. It strings itself to this being which becomes a puppet, a puppet that is able to rationalize with me. This illusion, unable to see it before, causes me to release my cultivated isolation that surrounds me. This entity, or puppet however you may subjugate it, appears as someone who I can empathize with, to the point where I lose what once was my own identity before.
I salivate and free myself from my previous thoughts of the world and try to embrace this persona figure, unknowingly seeing that this is only a manifestation of the irrational world I have turned my back on. It is a veil cast upon me, an unjust one at that. My trust now becomes a lie that will show its face in the end.
This cause shows that trusting another existance besides myself to be separate from the world has grown difficult. For my own mind cannot deceive me, I have a perfect trust of it. I know this because of countless sittings of reasoning with my thoughts that are untainted by any emotion or deity. I persevere this because I am my own individual, an pure entity, for I am rational and just.
I do not pray for others to follow my endeavor, but only hope that others who have the capacity that I do will see this perception of mine and will reason with it. Alas, my hope does not extend outside the shell of my own consciousness, for I will not commit the same falsehoods that I once perspired to believe.
"For what is unchallenged by understanding and rationality becomes only the immoral standard of the ignorant being."
This disguise presents this entity that is complimented by a mind and body to become a being of self thought. It strings itself to this being which becomes a puppet, a puppet that is able to rationalize with me. This illusion, unable to see it before, causes me to release my cultivated isolation that surrounds me. This entity, or puppet however you may subjugate it, appears as someone who I can empathize with, to the point where I lose what once was my own identity before.
I salivate and free myself from my previous thoughts of the world and try to embrace this persona figure, unknowingly seeing that this is only a manifestation of the irrational world I have turned my back on. It is a veil cast upon me, an unjust one at that. My trust now becomes a lie that will show its face in the end.
This cause shows that trusting another existance besides myself to be separate from the world has grown difficult. For my own mind cannot deceive me, I have a perfect trust of it. I know this because of countless sittings of reasoning with my thoughts that are untainted by any emotion or deity. I persevere this because I am my own individual, an pure entity, for I am rational and just.
I do not pray for others to follow my endeavor, but only hope that others who have the capacity that I do will see this perception of mine and will reason with it. Alas, my hope does not extend outside the shell of my own consciousness, for I will not commit the same falsehoods that I once perspired to believe.
"For what is unchallenged by understanding and rationality becomes only the immoral standard of the ignorant being."
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
On A Further Note
It's weird because i have this protruding thought every time i call her. that maybe. just maybe. she will talk to me. not these hi how are you doing conversations that act like we havent talked in a decade. yes its a hope. an empty hope. and its a radical thought now. it was normal at one time, but now. i just wonder. and wait. because its the last hope i have at this point.
/null/
/null/
It's Just Hard to Hold On To.
So why is it that you like someone and you become really good friends with that person, and eventually to the point where she wants to be your best friend and your ok with that fact. Then out of no where you somehow fuck up and don't even know what you did. Then immediately everything changes to the point where you dont talk as much anymore and even when you do talk, the conversations aren't anywhere near the same, and then you wonder... What the fuck have I done right?
Yeah. So you wonder whats troubling me? Well its the fact that I'm stubborn to the point where I can't accept the fact that she wont tell me. ever.
Then I wonder. Hmmm will I get back to what it was. That. Balance.
That. Balance. Just something that lasted so short.
it was nice
but now its gone. i told her i'd always be there in the end....its just hard to hold onto the beginning
Yeah. So you wonder whats troubling me? Well its the fact that I'm stubborn to the point where I can't accept the fact that she wont tell me. ever.
Then I wonder. Hmmm will I get back to what it was. That. Balance.
That. Balance. Just something that lasted so short.
it was nice
but now its gone. i told her i'd always be there in the end....its just hard to hold onto the beginning
Monday, February 1, 2010
You Wonder Why, While I Wonder Nothing.
When you know that you should be feeling an emotion about a situation and it doesn't happen? Ha. You know, something bad happens during the middle of the day to someone close to you, and you literally can't feel a thing, no remorse, no sorry, nothing? Yeah, its lovely, I can't even write something similar to emotion, right now, I can't even grasp the words to describe how I should be feeling. I really just don't know right now what I should even think about, no music cheers up a mood, because it feels like I just don't have a mood, if that makes sense.
Lovely.
I still can't write. I paused for about 2 minutes to see if anything will come to my head besides a monotone voice.
Sadly.
That's a thing that happens with my body. It becomes so wrapped up in emotion that it gets to a point where it completely crashes. Anything that made me happy, sad, frustrated ect. is now gone. I don't have anything to grasp on to and nothing to talk about. Even if I could talk about it with someone, I wouldn't have a word in my mouth to say. When I should say something that reflects my personality. It's dead. When I should say something that could comfort someone. It's dead.
I'm going to go smoke.
I really don't have any other input.
Sadly, this lasts for about a couple of weeks.
Lovely.
I still can't write. I paused for about 2 minutes to see if anything will come to my head besides a monotone voice.
Sadly.
That's a thing that happens with my body. It becomes so wrapped up in emotion that it gets to a point where it completely crashes. Anything that made me happy, sad, frustrated ect. is now gone. I don't have anything to grasp on to and nothing to talk about. Even if I could talk about it with someone, I wouldn't have a word in my mouth to say. When I should say something that reflects my personality. It's dead. When I should say something that could comfort someone. It's dead.
I'm going to go smoke.
I really don't have any other input.
Sadly, this lasts for about a couple of weeks.
Monday, January 25, 2010
A Simple Night
Alright not going to lie.
I have been "ok" for about 7 days now.
If your smart, you will think long and hard of what is in those quotes and what it means.
It's almost legal in California
Alright so a typical night me on the computer reading news articles and thinking about doing homework. If I only had any haha.
Ah well I need to write in my blog more. For footnotes and daily thoughts on my mind.
Key things here.
Motivation.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Serenity Has Unjustified Me
Why is it that you told me this? You have not stated a reason. Nor have you justified it to me. You spoke of the truth, that I cannot ignore and unlike you, it does affect me.
I am sorry that I show a situation through different words than the path that you want me to express myself.
But how does a poet describe a situation?
How does an author express his mind?
They never are in tune with what you are trying to get me to do. They express themselves using metaphors, they express being abstract because that is the only way to connect with the reader, because they don't want to show you the truth strait out. They want you to know what it feels like emotionally, they displace you mentally because you will understand their situation. A books pages hold many meanings. Meanings that are impossible to show without full hearten descriptions. After hearing what you have said, I cannot express myself fully. I try writing down with what a poet might say but I cannot. Sometimes logic cannot capture nor explain a situation to its fullest potential.
That's what I'm trying to get you to see.
What about a comedian who turns his bad luck into something to laugh at? It makes him comfortable, it shows people that he is strong and has gotten through it even though at the time it might have not been so clear.
So why?
What did you hold back?
No. It's more. And you know it.
You wouldn't of gone to so many ends to tell me what I do wrong.
I ask why. Because I know there is something more that you were hiding.
I cannot ask anything from you. Because now I feel like you wouldn't do it.
That scares me, because someone else made you vulnerable when they have asked something, when they have given their opinions. You locked yourself away. I'm just trying to bring you back.
A foolish decision. But its something that I have chosen to do. Even though the odds are greatly against me, and its not because I'm trying to prove anything. It's not to show the world anything. I wouldn't try to push for it for no reason, because I know it would be worth something in the end.
You have left yourself with a scar when you were younger. You cleaned it up, you learned from it. What did you learn? Why can't I teach you to begin to care for someone else's thoughts. A thought begins to emerge in me, wondering why I am going to all ends to do this.
I don't like you closed.
I have a father who taught me to be this way. Because he wasn't open. He didn't show anything inside of him. Which only made me hide myself as well.
Nothing I say will change it. Yet I still try to do so.
This is just a writing of thoughts. It has no reason, except to shed itself in this piece.
I cannot bring myself to type a different thought. I do not want to sit there, to think over what you said to me and type anything differently.
Yet. I will. Not for you. Why would I do it for you? To get your approval? Ha. Even when I act normally you have taken the time to shown that what I have been doing hasn't been for your approval and those are the things I have been normally doing.
When someone has feelings for someone else. They don't do things for their approval. They do things because they care about that person. They want to make that person happy.
If that person were to do things for her approval. He would be destroying himself, and that is not the way any girl would fall for someone. So don't ever even think that I'm doing something for your approval, because when I go all ends to do something, its because I care about you and I am doing it for you whether you approve of it or not. Go ahead question that. Just don't tell me anything. Why? Because what I said is true. You would be foolish not to realize that.
I am sorry that I show a situation through different words than the path that you want me to express myself.
But how does a poet describe a situation?
How does an author express his mind?
They never are in tune with what you are trying to get me to do. They express themselves using metaphors, they express being abstract because that is the only way to connect with the reader, because they don't want to show you the truth strait out. They want you to know what it feels like emotionally, they displace you mentally because you will understand their situation. A books pages hold many meanings. Meanings that are impossible to show without full hearten descriptions. After hearing what you have said, I cannot express myself fully. I try writing down with what a poet might say but I cannot. Sometimes logic cannot capture nor explain a situation to its fullest potential.
That's what I'm trying to get you to see.
What about a comedian who turns his bad luck into something to laugh at? It makes him comfortable, it shows people that he is strong and has gotten through it even though at the time it might have not been so clear.
So why?
What did you hold back?
No. It's more. And you know it.
You wouldn't of gone to so many ends to tell me what I do wrong.
I ask why. Because I know there is something more that you were hiding.
I cannot ask anything from you. Because now I feel like you wouldn't do it.
That scares me, because someone else made you vulnerable when they have asked something, when they have given their opinions. You locked yourself away. I'm just trying to bring you back.
A foolish decision. But its something that I have chosen to do. Even though the odds are greatly against me, and its not because I'm trying to prove anything. It's not to show the world anything. I wouldn't try to push for it for no reason, because I know it would be worth something in the end.
You have left yourself with a scar when you were younger. You cleaned it up, you learned from it. What did you learn? Why can't I teach you to begin to care for someone else's thoughts. A thought begins to emerge in me, wondering why I am going to all ends to do this.
I don't like you closed.
I have a father who taught me to be this way. Because he wasn't open. He didn't show anything inside of him. Which only made me hide myself as well.
Nothing I say will change it. Yet I still try to do so.
This is just a writing of thoughts. It has no reason, except to shed itself in this piece.
I cannot bring myself to type a different thought. I do not want to sit there, to think over what you said to me and type anything differently.
Yet. I will. Not for you. Why would I do it for you? To get your approval? Ha. Even when I act normally you have taken the time to shown that what I have been doing hasn't been for your approval and those are the things I have been normally doing.
When someone has feelings for someone else. They don't do things for their approval. They do things because they care about that person. They want to make that person happy.
If that person were to do things for her approval. He would be destroying himself, and that is not the way any girl would fall for someone. So don't ever even think that I'm doing something for your approval, because when I go all ends to do something, its because I care about you and I am doing it for you whether you approve of it or not. Go ahead question that. Just don't tell me anything. Why? Because what I said is true. You would be foolish not to realize that.
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