It's All Tangible [7]

So I must change direction in this blog. I cannot continue to write my feelings because they all resolve to the same thing.

I will write one more thing about my situation. But not now. It's more of a perception of what is going to be changing a lot in a few days time.

Which now I will get back to reading my philosophy as I have a test tomorrow.

Cheers.

That Is My Fucking Reason

You just said you want to know whats on my mind. You just said you hated what I told you. You didn't like the fact that I knew something about you and Derick. The thing is. That's whats on my mind. I don't live to think about those things. It was a mechanical click that pieced another fucking puzzle.
I don't live to need to know those things. That's just who I am. I'm sorry if I figure things out that you don't want me to know. The thing is this:

Living to tell people about who they are is not something I like to do. Why? Because I don't need to have people telling me who I am.

And that's why I fucking keep it from you.

Hologram

Another 5 Am blog post. Swell.

Just got done watching a few episodes of Weeds (TV show) and I still don't feel tired.
Kinda sucks.

It's Sunday and hopefully I wont sleep the day away. Again.

Hmmm.
I wonder. It kind of makes it hard to piece together a puzzle when you can't even make out the individual shapes to put together. So that's where I stand right now. It's more right now to the point where I sit here waiting to see what I have to appear, before I can even know what to do with it.
I'm to much of someone who needs a plan and to set out every individual thing to make sure I know where I'm going.

Oh well.

Symptoms of a Cold Shell

The latent lies that reach no beginning
To calm the morrow of a patient past
Brings upon a being of virtuous sort
That only shows a shivering tale

Through the gracious redemer that cries a flaw
For he who falls, confused of its maker
Lying there remembering above
Which he ascends when the balance returns

Alas in the present is realities home
He thinks in the eyes of the future
Holding on to a sliver of hope
For the better ignoring his misery

Still Feel Like Shit

Oh yes. I am writing this at 6:00 AM. Can't sleep. Again.

It's lovely how my mind likes to take up my time to think about the things that cause me emotional pain.

I can only guess at this point that I'm still shitfaced emotionally. It's sad really. I wish this was all a big fluke. I wish something would be said to make me feel stupid, because when you feel stupid. You know that reality had just smacked you in the face.

Hopefully I'm wrong about the things I'm thinking but my mind is jumping to too many conclusions that I just can't comprehend.

I'm baffled. Very. How can I be so stupid.

I'm not going to reference directly to my problem(s). But seriously. Why can't things go back to the way they were. If this keeps going on. I'm going to do something reckless and regret it.

Please. I want to be the same person I was.

It's great being a sensitive bastard knowing he is always going to walk into something like this.

You know what the meanest thing I could say about this? A piece of advice that I really wish that was given to me?

Well. I'm not going to say it right now. I want to see if it is proven true first, and I hope to....well I just hope that it doesn't come true and that I'm wrong. I just hope.

/end

Who Am I?

To discern the fact that the development of the mind and body is what determines who we are. They both mature at different paces sometimes conflicting with each other. My own well being subjected with my placement in this world makes me somewhat weary. I, over time, have isolated my standing relationship with the world, which causes me to be away from its judgment. Though, the world tends to trick me, it erases its presence and hides its hideous mark in my life only to form an entity, a mind and body of its own.
This disguise presents this entity that is complimented by a mind and body to become a being of self thought. It strings itself to this being which becomes a puppet, a puppet that is able to rationalize with me. This illusion, unable to see it before, causes me to release my cultivated isolation that surrounds me. This entity, or puppet however you may subjugate it, appears as someone who I can empathize with, to the point where I lose what once was my own identity before.
I salivate and free myself from my previous thoughts of the world and try to embrace this persona figure, unknowingly seeing that this is only a manifestation of the irrational world I have turned my back on. It is a veil cast upon me, an unjust one at that. My trust now becomes a lie that will show its face in the end.
This cause shows that trusting another existance besides myself to be separate from the world has grown difficult. For my own mind cannot deceive me, I have a perfect trust of it. I know this because of countless sittings of reasoning with my thoughts that are untainted by any emotion or deity. I persevere this because I am my own individual, an pure entity, for I am rational and just.
I do not pray for others to follow my endeavor, but only hope that others who have the capacity that I do will see this perception of mine and will reason with it. Alas, my hope does not extend outside the shell of my own consciousness, for I will not commit the same falsehoods that I once perspired to believe.

"For what is unchallenged by understanding and rationality becomes only the immoral standard of the ignorant being."

On A Further Note

It's weird because i have this protruding thought every time i call her. that maybe. just maybe. she will talk to me. not these hi how are you doing conversations that act like we havent talked in a decade. yes its a hope. an empty hope. and its a radical thought now. it was normal at one time, but now. i just wonder. and wait. because its the last hope i have at this point.

/null/

It's Just Hard to Hold On To.

So why is it that you like someone and you become really good friends with that person, and eventually to the point where she wants to be your best friend and your ok with that fact. Then out of no where you somehow fuck up and don't even know what you did. Then immediately everything changes to the point where you dont talk as much anymore and even when you do talk, the conversations aren't anywhere near the same, and then you wonder... What the fuck have I done right?



Yeah. So you wonder whats troubling me? Well its the fact that I'm stubborn to the point where I can't accept the fact that she wont tell me. ever.

Then I wonder. Hmmm will I get back to what it was. That. Balance.

That. Balance. Just something that lasted so short.

it was nice

but now its gone. i told her i'd always be there in the end....its just hard to hold onto the beginning

You Wonder Why, While I Wonder Nothing.

When you know that you should be feeling an emotion about a situation and it doesn't happen? Ha. You know, something bad happens during the middle of the day to someone close to you, and you literally can't feel a thing, no remorse, no sorry, nothing? Yeah, its lovely, I can't even write something similar to emotion, right now, I can't even grasp the words to describe how I should be feeling. I really just don't know right now what I should even think about, no music cheers up a mood, because it feels like I just don't have a mood, if that makes sense.

Lovely.
I still can't write. I paused for about 2 minutes to see if anything will come to my head besides a monotone voice.

Sadly.

That's a thing that happens with my body. It becomes so wrapped up in emotion that it gets to a point where it completely crashes. Anything that made me happy, sad, frustrated ect. is now gone. I don't have anything to grasp on to and nothing to talk about. Even if I could talk about it with someone, I wouldn't have a word in my mouth to say. When I should say something that reflects my personality. It's dead. When I should say something that could comfort someone. It's dead.

I'm going to go smoke.

I really don't have any other input.

Sadly, this lasts for about a couple of weeks.