After You Leave Wont You Close The Door

And don't forget what I told you.

So It's 5:17am and my typing is so as hell. Woot.

5 stars for early morning blog! (not according to my body though)

Alright so I really need to clear my mind. The stress of school and other things have mixed together and are causing a train wreck in me. It's rather pointless, and I consider it so be annoying because as soon as this week is over, I'll think to myself was it really worth running all those situations through my mind? It only made you feel worse (you as in me).

Awesome. So I'm going to stay up until the cafe opens up for breakfast and then grab some food. Come back and then sleep for 6 hours before going to English (its supposed to be a final, but not really, just a bunch of cool science experiments)

But really. I just went out for a smoke to calm me down (didn't work of course, smoking is unhealthy so it made it worse). But bleh just some senseless words to write down somehow sets it a little better.

Alright time for the niddy griddy. And the main point.

So I'm really just wanting to be a friend to her, a best friend. I've realized my position and what way I set into her life, and really that all.

friend zone much?

Yeah, its typical for a guy to fall into that. But I'm ok with it (my emotions are not of course and are beating at my door to get out)

But really I love her as a friend and want to stay (need to stay) that way. Hopefully i'll have this conversation with her because thats really whats on my chest. It will clarify things, and I will be able to just move on.

So yes I care a lot about her pretty much do anything for her, but really. It's all for the fact that she needs to be happy. Needs someone to carry her and be there any time (like at 5 in the morning). So a senseless blog to write down is the only way to communicate this right now. I don't want an outside opinion this is just something that needs to be resolved in me.

It's a nice little battle between reality and my emotions.

Guess whos going to win?

Hence why I need to just calm down about it. So yes a nice little struggle in me that goes on and on. Because, put plainly. I don't care about how I feel because it would go against her judgement and everything I have said.

Hopefully I can look back at this and realize that playing Russian Ruelette with and automatic pistol was a much better idea.

But still. It's worth a shot (no pun intended).

I won't keep writing, because ill just repeate myself and thats annoying.

Insert happy pic? I think yes.


Haha. I'm not going to say that to my sister. She would not like :D.

To end: I'm not a man ruled by emotion. I'm ruled by reason. I'll cast my cares away and stand by her. Carry her to happiness. I'll leave behind my sorrors when she becomes happy. It is when she finds herself to let him show her how to play a guitar. Because her heart is too fragile to play with. And that is a man's Romance.

And my resolve as a friend.

Simple. The Fact Is.

Haha wait. I'm never simple. This post is rather pointless then.



A picture is worth a thousand words. Though how many is mine worth?

I Alligned Myself With Logic.

Logic has taken me to accept my wellbeing, while questioning everything around it. I stand by the fact that I cannot do something without reason, whatever it may be. To put simply as to the point of this essay as well as whats been on my mind is what logic has to do with faith.

I can blaim my loss of faith because of it. It's not something that degraded because of my distaste for the followers of the higher power, its more of, it doesn't give me enough answers to me question of a higher power.

Someone literal about their beliefs can explain it to me, yet none can take the prevolence of another perspective when something crosses in between them. That would be me, because of how I stand between the two.

Faith in me, is gone, it has wasted away and caste out of me.

Its rather, because it agrees with my well being.

And I can assure that I will probably never be able to get it back. Even if the stars aligned and the moon cast's its shadow on me. My disclosure of questions on it will still never lack because of it. Sure I can be considered to be the mind of a scientist, but nonetheless, logic has become my faith.

God. That word never makes sense. The way it has been described to me, just doesn't stand anywhere near reason. There are so many absolute things that people desire from it, that can wreck the foundation set upon it. To me, it just doesn't work.

It's because I have made a selfless choice. A choice that brings me great comfort as well as great misfortune.

My ramblings continue:

Adhere, why would I align myself with one religion when another with good reason, contradicts it completely.

I mean the stars have a better chance to align themselves, than religions aligning with each other. To agree.

Of course someone who has faith by their side can give an easy answer to that all religions agree on one thing.

But yet that's only looked upon the shell that each religion casts over themselves, besides its just as easy to describe the similarities of rocks next to a river bed. But taken from a view such as mine, the differences eventually mare the simple similarities that exist between them. Which I'm talking about religions not rocks mind you.

*sigh* for self clarification I have believed in one of those faiths and also put it behind me. Yet I have only stood with it for sometime because the transparency of answers it gives me is too great.

Maybe people themselves are to blame for this. Maybe the mistakes they pull are to blame for this. Maybe its just the fact that human error can never be ruled out.

.to be continued.

I Need A Smoke

My situation is rather sickening.

It really is.
Reality calls.

Try not to wander to far from reasoning.

This thought only calls for worse feeling.

*sigh* I need a smoke.

"One tear for Goth, two for emo"

One Last Thing. The Only Piece That Matters.

I sit here with an empty feeling in my gut. Emptiness. It hurts. Its a pain so undesirable, because it will always remain as nothing.

Who knew a hole could grow inside. A void. Something that leaves you to wonder if it ever could be filled. Of course it can. Yet it has never been filled before.

Someone who deals with this kind of pain has had something there. Given to them by that one person. When its gone. It hurts. Yet they can look back on, and hope that it can be filled again. Because something was there.

For me. Nothing was ever there. I don't even know if it was something that was close to being there. It just still remains empty. Lying there. Waiting. Tormenting my focus to achieve peace within myself.

It remains untainted.

I don't like to think about it. But it waits for me to break open the bottle. The emotions that where locked inside. It waits. It uses my vulnerability.

I can not say a word about it to anyone.
It's simple. I'm just afraid.