After You Leave Wont You Close The Door

And don't forget what I told you.

So It's 5:17am and my typing is so as hell. Woot.

5 stars for early morning blog! (not according to my body though)

Alright so I really need to clear my mind. The stress of school and other things have mixed together and are causing a train wreck in me. It's rather pointless, and I consider it so be annoying because as soon as this week is over, I'll think to myself was it really worth running all those situations through my mind? It only made you feel worse (you as in me).

Awesome. So I'm going to stay up until the cafe opens up for breakfast and then grab some food. Come back and then sleep for 6 hours before going to English (its supposed to be a final, but not really, just a bunch of cool science experiments)

But really. I just went out for a smoke to calm me down (didn't work of course, smoking is unhealthy so it made it worse). But bleh just some senseless words to write down somehow sets it a little better.

Alright time for the niddy griddy. And the main point.

So I'm really just wanting to be a friend to her, a best friend. I've realized my position and what way I set into her life, and really that all.

friend zone much?

Yeah, its typical for a guy to fall into that. But I'm ok with it (my emotions are not of course and are beating at my door to get out)

But really I love her as a friend and want to stay (need to stay) that way. Hopefully i'll have this conversation with her because thats really whats on my chest. It will clarify things, and I will be able to just move on.

So yes I care a lot about her pretty much do anything for her, but really. It's all for the fact that she needs to be happy. Needs someone to carry her and be there any time (like at 5 in the morning). So a senseless blog to write down is the only way to communicate this right now. I don't want an outside opinion this is just something that needs to be resolved in me.

It's a nice little battle between reality and my emotions.

Guess whos going to win?

Hence why I need to just calm down about it. So yes a nice little struggle in me that goes on and on. Because, put plainly. I don't care about how I feel because it would go against her judgement and everything I have said.

Hopefully I can look back at this and realize that playing Russian Ruelette with and automatic pistol was a much better idea.

But still. It's worth a shot (no pun intended).

I won't keep writing, because ill just repeate myself and thats annoying.

Insert happy pic? I think yes.


Haha. I'm not going to say that to my sister. She would not like :D.

To end: I'm not a man ruled by emotion. I'm ruled by reason. I'll cast my cares away and stand by her. Carry her to happiness. I'll leave behind my sorrors when she becomes happy. It is when she finds herself to let him show her how to play a guitar. Because her heart is too fragile to play with. And that is a man's Romance.

And my resolve as a friend.

Simple. The Fact Is.

Haha wait. I'm never simple. This post is rather pointless then.



A picture is worth a thousand words. Though how many is mine worth?

I Alligned Myself With Logic.

Logic has taken me to accept my wellbeing, while questioning everything around it. I stand by the fact that I cannot do something without reason, whatever it may be. To put simply as to the point of this essay as well as whats been on my mind is what logic has to do with faith.

I can blaim my loss of faith because of it. It's not something that degraded because of my distaste for the followers of the higher power, its more of, it doesn't give me enough answers to me question of a higher power.

Someone literal about their beliefs can explain it to me, yet none can take the prevolence of another perspective when something crosses in between them. That would be me, because of how I stand between the two.

Faith in me, is gone, it has wasted away and caste out of me.

Its rather, because it agrees with my well being.

And I can assure that I will probably never be able to get it back. Even if the stars aligned and the moon cast's its shadow on me. My disclosure of questions on it will still never lack because of it. Sure I can be considered to be the mind of a scientist, but nonetheless, logic has become my faith.

God. That word never makes sense. The way it has been described to me, just doesn't stand anywhere near reason. There are so many absolute things that people desire from it, that can wreck the foundation set upon it. To me, it just doesn't work.

It's because I have made a selfless choice. A choice that brings me great comfort as well as great misfortune.

My ramblings continue:

Adhere, why would I align myself with one religion when another with good reason, contradicts it completely.

I mean the stars have a better chance to align themselves, than religions aligning with each other. To agree.

Of course someone who has faith by their side can give an easy answer to that all religions agree on one thing.

But yet that's only looked upon the shell that each religion casts over themselves, besides its just as easy to describe the similarities of rocks next to a river bed. But taken from a view such as mine, the differences eventually mare the simple similarities that exist between them. Which I'm talking about religions not rocks mind you.

*sigh* for self clarification I have believed in one of those faiths and also put it behind me. Yet I have only stood with it for sometime because the transparency of answers it gives me is too great.

Maybe people themselves are to blame for this. Maybe the mistakes they pull are to blame for this. Maybe its just the fact that human error can never be ruled out.

.to be continued.

I Need A Smoke

My situation is rather sickening.

It really is.
Reality calls.

Try not to wander to far from reasoning.

This thought only calls for worse feeling.

*sigh* I need a smoke.

"One tear for Goth, two for emo"

One Last Thing. The Only Piece That Matters.

I sit here with an empty feeling in my gut. Emptiness. It hurts. Its a pain so undesirable, because it will always remain as nothing.

Who knew a hole could grow inside. A void. Something that leaves you to wonder if it ever could be filled. Of course it can. Yet it has never been filled before.

Someone who deals with this kind of pain has had something there. Given to them by that one person. When its gone. It hurts. Yet they can look back on, and hope that it can be filled again. Because something was there.

For me. Nothing was ever there. I don't even know if it was something that was close to being there. It just still remains empty. Lying there. Waiting. Tormenting my focus to achieve peace within myself.

It remains untainted.

I don't like to think about it. But it waits for me to break open the bottle. The emotions that where locked inside. It waits. It uses my vulnerability.

I can not say a word about it to anyone.
It's simple. I'm just afraid.

Did You Ever Read What I Wrote You?

Sheer the wound open in your soul, wrap its bounds and collect the memories of the ill fated to redeem to sound of your sweet name.
But only does this time strike down the insolence of men.
To show upon the sky and turn your head to cry, but white lies find themselves looking into a mirror of the past.
The mistakes cast upon the ones who lift their heads high yet their hands are trembling in their wake.
Do you see the sound that I make, for one to scream upon a fist of mercy.
Call it out, torn apart without a emergence, a cognative understanding will burn in your own flesh.
Did we get this far just to feel your hate?


This doesn't relate to anything going on my life, actually everything is amazing right now. The point of this excerpt was to test my "spur of the moments". This writing took about 2 minutes and probably doesn't make sense, its only attaching catchy words together collected from poems, and the structure collected from articles, books, stories. If anyone has a heart, anyone can be a writer.

It Only Becomes a Story

Alright last weekend was fun, went floating down a river for about 6 hours with a bunch of frat guys. Well, yes, I'm a frat guy to now. Couldn't really believe that I am, but lets face it. I'm lucky were I am at now. I'm hungry to get out on my own. Tired of the BS that was shoved in my face in high school.

College=Success

Success describes three things, your past, present, and future.

A synonym of it could be progress, achievements.

You need to have fun to progress.

You need friends that with help your achievements.

You need yourself to find success.

College is great. I can't say it any other way. Heck I will brag about it if I have to.

That's exactly what I have been doing.

But I need to cut it short. Since I am sick and barely able to type concise sentences.

Dyslexic quote: "I swear to drunk I'm not God"

Will It Wash Away?

Well of course it will. It's an uneasy feeling right now, the anxiety, not knowing whats going to happen. How my life will be shaped. How other people will help shape it. But yes all in all it will wash away. For the time being, it sucks but I embrace it.

Why?

Well because it tells me that I have finally stepped, wait no leaped, out of my comfort zone. So yes right now I miss home already, I miss everything that set a balance in my life. But I am glad I miss it because that means I need to find a new balance. Which won't be difficult to do I presume. I'll make myself feel like its home soon, because well, I need to call this place home now.

OKU

It's everything

It's how my life will be filled with stories. How my future depends on my success here.

Though I am excited to meet new people, to see new things, experience well, pretty much everything that every typical college kid needs to experience.

So I am happy, of course I don't feel it as of the moment. But it will uncover itself in due time.
I am ready to take on the world.

And I am letting everyone around me know that.

:D

Marking Everyday. But Still Going Nowhere.

Ah the enjoyment of my time down here in San Diego. It's my hometown and I do miss it so. Of course a visit of it is all that's needed before I venture off into college.

Well a glimpse of what has happened so far:

Got an iPhone (yumm!!!)
Ate pie (and got a 5% increase of yummy too!)
Played Golf
Joined a 24hr fitness center (work out anytime all the time)
Went to an opening night for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (waited in line for 4 hours...well 2 of it was in the theater in comfortable seats :)

Future events:
Six Flags
Casino (to play blackjack of course)
Grad Party
Golf Tournament
Figure out my social displacement in the world (explained later in post)
Paintball!!

Ok so my summer has been fun so far, had some relax and do nothing days. Though the only bummer of it was that I wasn't able to get a job hence no income. But hey that's ok I figure some other ways to get cash, and not in an illegal way since....all my friends know I do illegal stuff online (not for money though)

So yes this social displacement. Well if I had a graph for it, which actually would be no point since the social bar would be so low and almost unseen. But I keep getting this awful feeling in my stomach telling me "Chris your on the edge again, your leaning to either be ok or a helpless wreck"
Which I don't know why I am feeling like this. Oh wait I do
Its more of a displeasure of whats taken shape around me. I am actually just frustrated with two people (who shall remain unnamed). Its hard to shape words to take the form of question, as it can easily fall into hatred or jealousy that makes me look bad. I guess the simple answer is, their happiness. Now to make things clear, I am glad that they are happy, I haven't seen her this happy in awhile and well its nice because I know that things have shaped up nicely. But the result of my question is, at what cost?
See my displeasure comes in as what has changed and what I need to start accepting and I am powerless to fight it because my influence goes only so far. So yes the result of both of them being together has changed many things, and luckily for the better. But the thing that I am digressing about is, where does it leave me? See they have shaped their lives with each other in which doesn't include many other people, and I mean it doesn't include anybody close, or at least thats what it feels like. Which sucks. Period.
But the group of us used to be so immersed in with each other and well it was a nice feeling, and well really fun. But now its just broken off into "only the two of them" and the rest of us have only to linger with the other trinkets in our life, which compared to others, I have much fewer. Realizing this has become distasteful knowing that they only bind themselves together and really include no one else. Of course unless brought upon them is when they shall include others. But they never think of including and immersing others in their lives on their own. It seems like it has to be forced upon them.

Is it a sign of immaturity in their relationship? I think it is a little. Which I knew they would greatly disagree with me. I'm sure anyone would if they saw my true position in this world when it comes to relationships (lets just say I currently reside in the moon's shadow)

I don't know really. I am mostly rambling about this.

My thoughts in my head are faintly lit with the coherence that allow me to explain my quandary properly. I wish I could find a way to fix this, while being able to retain the happiness they have achieved. Of course time is actually coming to a halt soon. And the time I have in this life of IC will soon be short lived, and a new one with birth.


For my mind to remain at ease, and all the memories remain untainted. This soul wrestles with one simple thought: I need closure.

Determination of the Independent Thinker

Ah sitting in the Oakland airport drinking a Mocha Frap. its kinda nice and soothing especially while i'm surfing the web.

So what says of the day so far?
Well I'm tired from last night from fireworks which were amazing, and lighting my fireworks were even more amazing (and illegal)

The funny thing is that it is always a nice day when your flying because your thirty thousand feet in the air so its always sunny.
I'm excited for my destination because I get away from the "world" of 400 people? Haha. No its just nice to come back to where I grew up and spend pretty much my last summer in SD before I shove off for college (and extremely humid climates)

Oh well I'm going to enjoy the rest of my time of free internet before I have to board (which is in about 10 minutes)

Haha Enjoy (talking to myself)

kafricken /end/

21st Centurty Breakdown

Well the first part of my summer is coming to a close,

Shall we have a quick look? An analysis maybe?


Well quickly I can say that this part of the summer has been epically boring which I hope it will be justified in the next month (I'm thinking so)

So a quick input of my goal of this summer was: To hang out with friends

Seemed like it would be an easy success

No harm in aiming for that

Tragically I got burned by thinking that it could be accomplished
I guess I carry some sort of unseen stigma in which anything that is planned by me goes to hell

I'm not sure how far in hell it goes, since I am not the judge of that, but It can only be described at just plain frustration.

I swear I have been going to all ends to do something fun and well my hopes have only seen the light of day about 4 times.

And each time I had to give my hopes sunglasses because it hasn't seen the sun in awhile (I'm glad this is only a metaphor or else this would be really depressing haha)
So, yes I haven't done much, worked during the weeks and the first time in awhile I actually dreaded the weekend because each time it came closer I always said to myself

"Alright whats going to fuck up this week"

Trust me I have tried to be positive about it numerous times, but apparently the only thing "Life" likes to count is fuck ups

Mice and Men had better luck than me

I don't know, as something as simple as the goal of "hanging out with friends" turns every plan into a catastrophe (over exaggeration) then being a simple man is hard.....

So yes this month has only been recorded "fun" four times, in which each time barely was able to happen. I guess everyone has there own lives, and that this is something that has been going on for awhile and the only reason why I am noticing it, is because I am leaving soon.

*sigh*

Viva la Gloria

(Its a good song by Greenday in their new album, the name of it is the title of this blog)

So I really can't find anything else to complain about
Writing this down is the only justification that I can see
Since apparently things can always be worse, and its something that most people would see as not a big deal (which is why I don't talk about it with anybody else)

"It shouldn't be a big deal, but well I don't know, I'm just trying to see some fulfillment in my life before I leave so I can have something to look back on." ~ Said the Vein Shallow Antisocial Guy

/end/

The Balance Between Life and Reality

So lately I have really been getting into manga. Which is basically a Japanese comic. Some are really really good with many little funny kinks here and there.

Like Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, Fairy Tail. Which are the ones im keeping up on and that I think are really good.

So the conclusion of this year was interesting. Graduation....typical IC kind of graduation haha.

But still I enjoy being done with High School knowing that life is just now getting difficult.

Luckily it hasn't sunk in yet

Yet I am still conscious about it, damn ignorance when are you going to kick in?

*Cough*

So yes this summer will be fun, but fast. It will slowly drift into the fall again and I will start college.

At least it allows me to run away from other people's problems! Which is defiantly a plus because now it allows me to create my own, and I am a very creative person so I epically eff things up! (Im so excited about that haha)


Well, I dont think thats what I intend to do though

/end/

Welcome To The Hollidae In

Almost done. Sheesh imagine college is almost here.

Excited. Nervous. Anxiety. Hopeful.

Why I have to say those must be the typical words going through everyone's mind at this time?

Yes yes indeed.

Ok well some more Left 4 Dead action.

Video Games=Pie=Chocolate= 5% Increase of yummy.

/end/

Waka waka Waka

Who has butterflies in their stomach?

I do!

Who is turning schizophrenic?

We are!

Who is about to say WTF mate a million times?

Ummm people in Austratia?

Why the eff do I care!?

Err....because of the enviornmental factors around you causing you to develop or sort of emotional attachment to certain things as well as your friends who show love and compassion towards you even if you are totally oblivious to it and dont forget that your a nice guy and you have a good heart in which no matter what the situation you will always care even if you don't show it?

Woot!

Damn my insanity

Yes I am going insane

Which kinda sucks

But who cares?

Oh wait I just answered that

Yay repetition!


/.end

Angels and Demons

"I lie here not able to get up, I remember the old saying reach for the stars, but I can't see them right now, so I guess I will have to reach for you instead, since your the only one above me right now"


I love quotes

Especially the ones I make up

Yay reality!!

*cough

Brass Petal

Sweet sounding of it all
The melodies that hold no tune
Yet sing their praise
Let the roses form
Their brass petals

Let the sky scream above
Define its peace
Without ones words
Comes the call
From the mountains pass

To harrow with ours
And find its balance
Forever be with ones name
For its forgetful shares
Deems the dawn of day

For all in between
To turn away
Which what collides together
Causes no harm
And continues the melody to play

One must show
Only to fall behind
As the other will never look back
Reach your hand
Grasp your hopes
Because the air is still and black

When Dawn Breaks, The Glass Shatters

What I really need right now

Nice cup of coffee
In Downtown Boise

To just think about things, really I need peace. This school has been torment. People around me have been torment. My emotions have been torment.

I just need to think.
Thats how I do it.
I need someone to talk to.
Someone close.
To give me some sense back.
To help me find resolve.
This is torture.
Worse than waterboarding.

Just to sit down with peace.
To think.


Just to see what the world would be like
If everything
Had peace.

Or maybe Golf, I don't know
Just something to help me be at ease.
To sort things out.
To reach a little happiness.
And use it wisely.

Peace

*sigh*

When Should the White Flag Be Waved?

So this year is still continuing to take a depressing turn on things. Which sucks, because it effects me, and causes a ripple effect in everything I do, or feel. Like this blog, not the happiest I know which can get a little repetitive because i'm not one who writes like Poe

Nor am I mentally insane, just a little schizophrenic

So yes this blog has taken a demonizing turn, which also includes more of a poetic form.

More Digression:

To tell you, and well mostly myself the truth because I know a lot of people don't read this or at least to my knowledge, but plainly I am sick of it. Its getting annoyed that I am stressed out all the time because it also combines with depression, which two forces that always implode when they get near each other, and well im in the center of that implosion so pretty much I am getting hit in all directions.

I ask myself, well where should I look then? Everything is caving in on itself around me, where can I look? Which I can only resolve that everything has a blind spot so to speak, or a hole, or in a geek approach, a backdoor. So yes, where can I look? Well one solution would be to be fooled again and look at her, believing that is the right answer.

Nope, try again

Ok, how about the future? Like college?

Nope, almost, its not like there is the light at the end of an infinite tunnel.

Hmm, ok so yes I took two stabs in the dark, and both of them failed.
So yes that is the question I am pondering with myself. A question that might contain a double edged sword.

Which great, after I get destroyed by everything around me, now I have to deal with getting hurt by the things that I hold dear (hence the double edged sword)

Metaphores.....suck

So yes another topic that is also on my mind.

It's basically the fact that I feel very lonely, and in the dark about things. Really I have no one to talk to about it, and its difficult. The reason is because there is no time to, its always the fact that I can never be alone with that friend to talk about it anyways, so really I can't do much about it, and its not the other persons fault, its just the way things are, and what I have to get used to.

Another yet, painful, introduction into the real world
Something I am not ready for
Because I haven't even been through the illusion of a relationship, yet I have already seen the reality of being hurt by someone.

Pity, I guess I answered the unthoughtful question of which came first the illusion or the reality?

Fuck reality

Damn my emotion
Damn my feelings
Damn my life

So yes, there is so much more to see in a teenage life, or I guess it should be high school life, since I am an adult now. So what can I do?

And I can't sit there and be depressed, I am always moving because I am trying to find the answer, which being frozen in time with emotions is not going to get you closer to it.
Sure I stop to reminisce with my feelings from time to time, but I keep going.

That's the whole point of looking once, and blinking twice.

[/rant]

Adore Me So Lost Memory

Why think in the space of my own dimensions
The four corners that close me in
They retain their shape
And overpower mine
If only, the taste of it
Swallows me whole
Its grasp forgetting mercy
Does its grip give it peace?
While taking away mine?

The Question Asked Too Late

If the earth stopped spinning
Then I would die for it
If the sky turned black
Then I would die for it
If the air became still
Then I would die for it
If the heart started beating
Then I would die for it
If their hands stopped bleeding
Then I would die for it
If the truth stopped speaking
Then I would die for it
If forgiving stopped forgetting
Then I would die for it
For we all know
That she had died for it

You Cannot Fall In Love Faster Than You Can Grow A Rose

If you believe that roses are red
And violets are blue
Than this poem must be sweet
And it must be for you
But that comes to the observation
To a one opened eye
As we may all forget
That those roses will surely die
As for the violets they will surely go too
For we tend to forget
That they must be for you

We go on our ways
Looking blindly with only one eye
To see that those roses
Will soon surely die
I for one am never mistaken
As that one very step
That these roses be tended
And surely never forget
For if we want those roses to be red
And those violets to be blue
Then we must always tend

To what is, and that which is true
We forget one simple task
That is, what we caretakers do
That these roses be tended
And forever be tended too
For we must not forget
As we know what is true
If you believe that roses are red
And that violets are blue
Then consider yourself lucky
That I am a caretaker too

The Broken Magnifying Glass

Grawr whats been going on these days? Man I'm stuck in between two worlds that pull me apart. Well not literally, but sheesh mentally its cut in half, and sadly it isn't my right brain or my left that are in two. It's more like my reasoning and theirs that are conflicting with each other.

I mean when I mostly right stuff like this it's mostly out of confusion. Or plain stupidity for not reasoning with my thoughts yet. I don't know.

This still doesn't feel right. Nothing does.

Maybe it's just out of fear of the future?
Fear of what I want for someone yet its not happening?
Or just the sense that I think my stomach has just turned upside down.

Eh.....excuse me while I get some Pepto Bismal- High School Edition.

[end]

Stuck in Between Worlds

I'm taking this survey, and its dumb because it asks me questions everyone else asks. This simple ones like are you happy? Do you like the way your life is going?

Gawdhell they are so easy to answer, and that's the problem. Though, its not a classic answer like yes I am or no I'm not blah blah blah. Its more like I don't know and well I really don't.

I'm much different from a lot of people, I don't follow the same tracks they do. Everywhere I look around me it all seems rehearsed, like you can tell every little thing that's going to happen. I know I am not like them, I'm pretty sure when someone looks at me no judgment occurs in them, because they don't know what to judge. I don't know what I am trying to say because its so confusing for me.

I lost my train of thought, too much noise going on so

[end]

Hope’s Final Wish

This is a lonely journey I have to say the least

I give something yet nothings returned

I give everything that hope has yearned for

But it does not even keep its own promises

Go get heaven's grace as I will not follow

I will journey into the path I have already carved with my heart

My feet are still weak from the words that my ears cannot hear

I still stand here not moving because I am not sure

Your reckless smile only tells me that you're truly a liar

You wanted to have me believe that my tears are still flowing

Yet you forget that they have already hit the ground

It pains me to say that I will still stand here

And turn my back against your words only to face the meaning of them

If you want heavens grace go get it

Because I will not follow you

Our heads clash yet we forget that our hands grace one another

We take two steps not knowing our hearts have already taken three

This is not a tale of love

If it were then my soul would be at ease

As I do not know that word and it does not know me

So leave me be as I want to climb upon the pedestal

And reach above the mountains

So my fall will be greater

Knowing that nothing will catch me

Except my eyes when they awaken from that dream

Why do you still pester me?

You persist yet you do nothing

The eyes that I have do not belong to you

As you once wished they did

I don't understand you

Even when I am blind

You can still see me

Though I'm trapped inside

I know that you are staring at me

So why do you keep looking

Only to find that all this time I was hiding in a shell

Is that what you were looking for?

You say that you never wanted heavens grace

Because you knew I would not follow

You smile at me knowing that you found something that even I couldn't find

Me

Why did you look?

Why did you want to look?

I myself have tried to keep it away

Yet you still found it

You tell me that I am actually heaven's grace?

Then I guess I did follow you

I can only smile knowing that I am a fool

Because of you

I am now on the ground

Cleaning up my tears that you told me were still flowing

And you were right

Because they were your tears

Not mine

So thank you

You have made me find myself again

Therefore I shall close my eyes

Knowing that I can soar above the mountains

Thinking of what you did for me

Now I shall return the favor

And try to find you, just as you found me

~Conscious

Returning The Shooting Star

Do you believe in wishes?

I hope you do.

Because I don't.

That's what divides you and me, drifts each other apart.

Yet why am I still looking at you?

Do I see something different every time I close my eyes, and when I open them it's gone?
It's a pity to see that you believe in wishes.

Yet I hope you do.

For me it's just another string of hope that I want to thread death with.

Woops that was emo, not doing that again

You really think that if you look up at the sky, somehow all of your dreams will come true.

I instead, look in a mirror

You really think that you can see right through me?

When you can't even see through yourself?

It's a pity, but I hope you believe in wishes.

Because I never will.

I don't wish for anything less.

Yet I still wish to be with you.

This madness needs to stop.
For what good does it bring other than one more chance for me to look into your eyes.

[End]

Sorrows Envy. Pain Endured. God Questioned.

A traumatizing experience. Nothing has words to describe it. You can only see tears that fall down many people's faces. This day. Is done.

Even though I didn't know him. Doesn't mean its okay. It still hurts, to know why ones life ends so quickly. We try to find reasons. Reasons that justify. But it never justifies the truth. It only justifies what we want to believe. Makes it right. When we close our eyes. Just because we can't look at reality's tears.

I hate this. This day. I can't believe this. It tears me up to see others feel like this. I hate it. It pains me.

Even God can't do anything about it.

Yet I cannot be there for anybody. I wouldn't help. I just have to sit here. Holding on to a bottle that keeps everything inside. It's sad. It's depressing. How much of a ripple effect this can cause. Even though I didn't know him. Other people knew him. They were much closer. Now they only hold onto memories. Because he is gone. If only he can look at what he has done to people. If only he knew how everyone else felt.

*Sigh* just as I was able to carry myself back up. Everything gets pushed down again. Just when I thought I could keep being happy. Everything gets pushed down again. Just as I thought when hope had wings. Everything gets pushed down again.

"When Life, an unstoppable force. Meets Death, an immovable object."

The Echoes of Angels That Wont Return

If I manage to get through this year without pulling a knife on someone, I will be surprised. Actually I'm joking and its just more of the way I have been feeling. It's difficult to stand by and have your hopes crushed and you can do nothing about but watch as tears fall out of your eyes.

The quiet scares me because it screams the truth

*sigh* I don't even know how to describe it. Maybe I am holding back because I am afraid to write down what I am thinking.

So be it.
Can't escape it.
I'll let it eat me alive.
And have no remorse that is felt by other people.

Damn I need to get out of this mood.

It's sickening, and I'm probably going to keep going on about the pointlessness of it all.

What makes me truly happy? If only I knew. If only you knew.
Bah. Forget it.

Did That Bomb Just Explode?

"Yes it did"

"Yes quite"

"Would you like a cup of tea?"

"I say how about some krumpets?"

"Or a bomb in zee face"

A Dim Lit Future

Apperently I can't take tests, more specifically the SAT

It's really sad of how low I scored on the damn thing. Even in math.

I don't understand that I am able to take Math 170 (A college class) yet someone that barely passed Algebra could score much better than me.

I don't know, apparently this test shows my future.

Gawd I would do anything to get into a good college.

There is always something missing, yet of course I don't know what or else I would be spending the rest of my life trying to fix it.

*sigh*

Depressed.....

When an Unstoppable Force meets an Immovable Object

The Week

So stressful
I don't know what to do
Fricken sucks
Its not because I'm a senior
Its not because of school
It's people Its annoying me

Stupid stupid people....

If a stupid person could realize their stupidity, and not have someone else tell them......

Gawd its a weird week
It's putting me in a weird mood my emotions well are not on a roller coaster
Or blasting off into the outer space
They seem to be digging towards the center of the Earth

Which is bad

Grawr....

Fuck it. Common sense can't even find a job in this economy.

I'll Mend Myself Before It Gets Me

*Sigh* Man school is on its way to a close, and I realize that I only have so much time left in Idaho City. I feel this semester is going to be completely different from the last, and well it’s expected. We prepare ourselves with our predetermined futures that sits in our minds waiting to get out, not know that we have so much more ahead of us.

The unknown is coming and most people don’t even realize that their dreams are going to go through some changes, whether it be the school that they go too or the fact that what they though was a dream was merely something that should be left to the kids to think about. I come back from San Diego knowing that I need to start getting my act together.

Though I have dubbed SD as my false reality that I share with no one else...

As I speak of this, still there is something missing, well actually It's something that I am missing personally which I do not choose to describe at this moment because I still don't know what to think of it. But, yes something missing, I emerse myself into all of this discression I have about what I need to prepare for the future when I still need to do one last thing before. Which of course it might not even happen, but still if I can make myself curious about it, then it should be something worthwhile to go for.

Happy New Year

Notice this post has been pre-adjusted to accommodate the extra second.

Happy New Year to all, as this post I have decided to write down my resolutions, and since I have an extra second handy I think I will be able to accomplish all of them.

Here they are:

Get into a good college

GTG (that's for me to know haha)

Find a computer that won't crash on me

Find a job

Play Golf more

Hang out with friends more

Be more outgoing

Be more productive when necessary

Enjoy youth while I still have it

FAIL Less - Actually on my Ipod touch I had made a FAIL counter to see how many times I FAIL this year.

Stay in shape

And last, continue being a nice guy, and a good friend

There they are and they are relatively reachable, but I hope everyone had a good New Year's Eve.

"When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong, or absolutely right."
~Albert Guinon