Who Am I?

To discern the fact that the development of the mind and body is what determines who we are. They both mature at different paces sometimes conflicting with each other. My own well being subjected with my placement in this world makes me somewhat weary. I, over time, have isolated my standing relationship with the world, which causes me to be away from its judgment. Though, the world tends to trick me, it erases its presence and hides its hideous mark in my life only to form an entity, a mind and body of its own.
This disguise presents this entity that is complimented by a mind and body to become a being of self thought. It strings itself to this being which becomes a puppet, a puppet that is able to rationalize with me. This illusion, unable to see it before, causes me to release my cultivated isolation that surrounds me. This entity, or puppet however you may subjugate it, appears as someone who I can empathize with, to the point where I lose what once was my own identity before.
I salivate and free myself from my previous thoughts of the world and try to embrace this persona figure, unknowingly seeing that this is only a manifestation of the irrational world I have turned my back on. It is a veil cast upon me, an unjust one at that. My trust now becomes a lie that will show its face in the end.
This cause shows that trusting another existance besides myself to be separate from the world has grown difficult. For my own mind cannot deceive me, I have a perfect trust of it. I know this because of countless sittings of reasoning with my thoughts that are untainted by any emotion or deity. I persevere this because I am my own individual, an pure entity, for I am rational and just.
I do not pray for others to follow my endeavor, but only hope that others who have the capacity that I do will see this perception of mine and will reason with it. Alas, my hope does not extend outside the shell of my own consciousness, for I will not commit the same falsehoods that I once perspired to believe.

"For what is unchallenged by understanding and rationality becomes only the immoral standard of the ignorant being."

On A Further Note

It's weird because i have this protruding thought every time i call her. that maybe. just maybe. she will talk to me. not these hi how are you doing conversations that act like we havent talked in a decade. yes its a hope. an empty hope. and its a radical thought now. it was normal at one time, but now. i just wonder. and wait. because its the last hope i have at this point.

/null/

It's Just Hard to Hold On To.

So why is it that you like someone and you become really good friends with that person, and eventually to the point where she wants to be your best friend and your ok with that fact. Then out of no where you somehow fuck up and don't even know what you did. Then immediately everything changes to the point where you dont talk as much anymore and even when you do talk, the conversations aren't anywhere near the same, and then you wonder... What the fuck have I done right?



Yeah. So you wonder whats troubling me? Well its the fact that I'm stubborn to the point where I can't accept the fact that she wont tell me. ever.

Then I wonder. Hmmm will I get back to what it was. That. Balance.

That. Balance. Just something that lasted so short.

it was nice

but now its gone. i told her i'd always be there in the end....its just hard to hold onto the beginning

You Wonder Why, While I Wonder Nothing.

When you know that you should be feeling an emotion about a situation and it doesn't happen? Ha. You know, something bad happens during the middle of the day to someone close to you, and you literally can't feel a thing, no remorse, no sorry, nothing? Yeah, its lovely, I can't even write something similar to emotion, right now, I can't even grasp the words to describe how I should be feeling. I really just don't know right now what I should even think about, no music cheers up a mood, because it feels like I just don't have a mood, if that makes sense.

Lovely.
I still can't write. I paused for about 2 minutes to see if anything will come to my head besides a monotone voice.

Sadly.

That's a thing that happens with my body. It becomes so wrapped up in emotion that it gets to a point where it completely crashes. Anything that made me happy, sad, frustrated ect. is now gone. I don't have anything to grasp on to and nothing to talk about. Even if I could talk about it with someone, I wouldn't have a word in my mouth to say. When I should say something that reflects my personality. It's dead. When I should say something that could comfort someone. It's dead.

I'm going to go smoke.

I really don't have any other input.

Sadly, this lasts for about a couple of weeks.

A Simple Night

Alright not going to lie.
I have been "ok" for about 7 days now.
If your smart, you will think long and hard of what is in those quotes and what it means.

It's almost legal in California

Alright so a typical night me on the computer reading news articles and thinking about doing homework. If I only had any haha.

Ah well I need to write in my blog more. For footnotes and daily thoughts on my mind.

Key things here.

Motivation.

Serenity Has Unjustified Me

Why is it that you told me this? You have not stated a reason. Nor have you justified it to me. You spoke of the truth, that I cannot ignore and unlike you, it does affect me.

I am sorry that I show a situation through different words than the path that you want me to express myself.

But how does a poet describe a situation?
How does an author express his mind?

They never are in tune with what you are trying to get me to do. They express themselves using metaphors, they express being abstract because that is the only way to connect with the reader, because they don't want to show you the truth strait out. They want you to know what it feels like emotionally, they displace you mentally because you will understand their situation. A books pages hold many meanings. Meanings that are impossible to show without full hearten descriptions. After hearing what you have said, I cannot express myself fully. I try writing down with what a poet might say but I cannot. Sometimes logic cannot capture nor explain a situation to its fullest potential.

That's what I'm trying to get you to see.
What about a comedian who turns his bad luck into something to laugh at? It makes him comfortable, it shows people that he is strong and has gotten through it even though at the time it might have not been so clear.

So why?
What did you hold back?
No. It's more. And you know it.
You wouldn't of gone to so many ends to tell me what I do wrong.
I ask why. Because I know there is something more that you were hiding.
I cannot ask anything from you. Because now I feel like you wouldn't do it.
That scares me, because someone else made you vulnerable when they have asked something, when they have given their opinions. You locked yourself away. I'm just trying to bring you back.

A foolish decision. But its something that I have chosen to do. Even though the odds are greatly against me, and its not because I'm trying to prove anything. It's not to show the world anything. I wouldn't try to push for it for no reason, because I know it would be worth something in the end.

You have left yourself with a scar when you were younger. You cleaned it up, you learned from it. What did you learn? Why can't I teach you to begin to care for someone else's thoughts. A thought begins to emerge in me, wondering why I am going to all ends to do this.

I don't like you closed.
I have a father who taught me to be this way. Because he wasn't open. He didn't show anything inside of him. Which only made me hide myself as well.
Nothing I say will change it. Yet I still try to do so.
This is just a writing of thoughts. It has no reason, except to shed itself in this piece.

I cannot bring myself to type a different thought. I do not want to sit there, to think over what you said to me and type anything differently.

Yet. I will. Not for you. Why would I do it for you? To get your approval? Ha. Even when I act normally you have taken the time to shown that what I have been doing hasn't been for your approval and those are the things I have been normally doing.

When someone has feelings for someone else. They don't do things for their approval. They do things because they care about that person. They want to make that person happy.

If that person were to do things for her approval. He would be destroying himself, and that is not the way any girl would fall for someone. So don't ever even think that I'm doing something for your approval, because when I go all ends to do something, its because I care about you and I am doing it for you whether you approve of it or not. Go ahead question that. Just don't tell me anything. Why? Because what I said is true. You would be foolish not to realize that.

After You Leave Wont You Close The Door

And don't forget what I told you.

So It's 5:17am and my typing is so as hell. Woot.

5 stars for early morning blog! (not according to my body though)

Alright so I really need to clear my mind. The stress of school and other things have mixed together and are causing a train wreck in me. It's rather pointless, and I consider it so be annoying because as soon as this week is over, I'll think to myself was it really worth running all those situations through my mind? It only made you feel worse (you as in me).

Awesome. So I'm going to stay up until the cafe opens up for breakfast and then grab some food. Come back and then sleep for 6 hours before going to English (its supposed to be a final, but not really, just a bunch of cool science experiments)

But really. I just went out for a smoke to calm me down (didn't work of course, smoking is unhealthy so it made it worse). But bleh just some senseless words to write down somehow sets it a little better.

Alright time for the niddy griddy. And the main point.

So I'm really just wanting to be a friend to her, a best friend. I've realized my position and what way I set into her life, and really that all.

friend zone much?

Yeah, its typical for a guy to fall into that. But I'm ok with it (my emotions are not of course and are beating at my door to get out)

But really I love her as a friend and want to stay (need to stay) that way. Hopefully i'll have this conversation with her because thats really whats on my chest. It will clarify things, and I will be able to just move on.

So yes I care a lot about her pretty much do anything for her, but really. It's all for the fact that she needs to be happy. Needs someone to carry her and be there any time (like at 5 in the morning). So a senseless blog to write down is the only way to communicate this right now. I don't want an outside opinion this is just something that needs to be resolved in me.

It's a nice little battle between reality and my emotions.

Guess whos going to win?

Hence why I need to just calm down about it. So yes a nice little struggle in me that goes on and on. Because, put plainly. I don't care about how I feel because it would go against her judgement and everything I have said.

Hopefully I can look back at this and realize that playing Russian Ruelette with and automatic pistol was a much better idea.

But still. It's worth a shot (no pun intended).

I won't keep writing, because ill just repeate myself and thats annoying.

Insert happy pic? I think yes.


Haha. I'm not going to say that to my sister. She would not like :D.

To end: I'm not a man ruled by emotion. I'm ruled by reason. I'll cast my cares away and stand by her. Carry her to happiness. I'll leave behind my sorrors when she becomes happy. It is when she finds herself to let him show her how to play a guitar. Because her heart is too fragile to play with. And that is a man's Romance.

And my resolve as a friend.