Yeah. Just for a long time.
Cruise on the highway nonstop. It would be nice. Like a long road trip.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I Am a Defective Product of American Society
More on this later. I just thought it was a good title and I wanted to write it down.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Hi I'm Chris Hawkins With Dateline NBC
Alright so I'm sitting in bed at my cousins house with him being asleep and me trying to find a ticket home. No luck so far.
O well.
Wow. I just realized I'm more self-conscious than a smoker addicted to cigarettes. Ha? No. Don't worry that was just a petty analogy that would somehow cross your mind and "make sense". It probably didn't work but that's your problem not mine. So I recently discovered that writing notes on your hand is a lot better than reading from a screen. Which the credit all goes to Sarah Palin. Though the thing is she isn't the first one to do that. Kids in high school do it all the time, like to remember something, to remember something for a test, to remember something during a test, but I digress.
So. I've decided that I am going to go to a tea party rally. I have been so interested to experience the crazy first hand (not pun intended to my last remark). But is it safe to call them all crazy? Well duh, and I hope to confirm that when I go to the rally on tax day. Am I going to be disrespectful to people? Well someone needs to stand up for the guy who was mocked a scorn because he had Parkinson's disease. Don't believe me? Well here take a look yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ik4f1dRbP8
See? Sickening. Trust me I can provide so much more that justifies my reasoning (I think I'm going to make the word "justify" taboo for me now to say).
Anyways yes, I want to go to one of the rally's to well. Poke some fun. Cause mischief. Hey its what I do. I'm cynical that way. How am I going to do it? Well making sure I bring my brain with me as well as a funny sign like "I once too spelled a sign wrong" or "Free high fives" or even better which is "OMG I LOVE NOT HAVING HEALTH CARE" which would have a little * next to it that says "Sarcasm intended".
Alright I really need to get to bed. I'm tired (yet not).
Good night. And Good Luck.
O well.
Wow. I just realized I'm more self-conscious than a smoker addicted to cigarettes. Ha? No. Don't worry that was just a petty analogy that would somehow cross your mind and "make sense". It probably didn't work but that's your problem not mine. So I recently discovered that writing notes on your hand is a lot better than reading from a screen. Which the credit all goes to Sarah Palin. Though the thing is she isn't the first one to do that. Kids in high school do it all the time, like to remember something, to remember something for a test, to remember something during a test, but I digress.
So. I've decided that I am going to go to a tea party rally. I have been so interested to experience the crazy first hand (not pun intended to my last remark). But is it safe to call them all crazy? Well duh, and I hope to confirm that when I go to the rally on tax day. Am I going to be disrespectful to people? Well someone needs to stand up for the guy who was mocked a scorn because he had Parkinson's disease. Don't believe me? Well here take a look yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ik4f1dRbP8
See? Sickening. Trust me I can provide so much more that justifies my reasoning (I think I'm going to make the word "justify" taboo for me now to say).
Anyways yes, I want to go to one of the rally's to well. Poke some fun. Cause mischief. Hey its what I do. I'm cynical that way. How am I going to do it? Well making sure I bring my brain with me as well as a funny sign like "I once too spelled a sign wrong" or "Free high fives" or even better which is "OMG I LOVE NOT HAVING HEALTH CARE" which would have a little * next to it that says "Sarcasm intended".
Alright I really need to get to bed. I'm tired (yet not).
Good night. And Good Luck.
One Time Too Many
I'm going to voice this to anyone that stands in my way and I'm tired of it. I literally am losing everything I value.
You want a list? No. You don't yet I don't give a shit. I don't care who reads this why? Because this is the last time I'm going to say it.
I have lost the cabin.
A best friend.
My ability to reason
My health
My house
My faith in trust
Being able to care
My trust in my Fraternity
Being able to take criticism
My religion
My car
My motivation
Hope
Comfort
The list goes on. There's an explanation to it all. Yet. Can I say anything to anyone? No. I have spared any sense to justify this. Why? Because I'm tired of it all. I have internalized this because all I ever hear from anyone is the same damn thing. Everyone sounds the same.
I bunch everyone together because any voice that could possibly stand out is overshadowed, it becomes weak and unable to be heard, because I have heard it all.
Can someone tell me something that I haven't already thought about? No. I sit here thinking if only someone could understand me, and I've tried that. I've tried to make someone understand me. Yet. Even that is gone.
I give up on trying to spell out my name to someone because I'm just "one with problems" and everyone has them.
But for once in a Blue Moon can someone just step back from everything that they stand on, and step onto what is crumbling beneath me. Just to understand what I'm going through. To be there to talk. To listen. To not judge. Can someone do the fucking same thing I have been trying to do for other people?
For all of my life. I never cared about my problems when someone else's came into view. I let myself go away from what I was going through, and it didn't matter what. I was unconditional to people. It just didn't matter to me what was going on inside if it ment that person would be given a silver lining of comfort.
Parents can only do so much. I can only say so many things to prevent them from being parents at the moment and just an individual. I cannot talk about everything because I "know" what will be said. I know the type of criticism. I know the type of advice.
This is breaking me. The very thing I stand for. The very things I value. Are crumbling beneath me. Yet all this time I tried to step away from it, because the people that were close to me were the ones I valued. I didn't have to move from where I was. Because being selfless was the very thing I stood upon. Now I see no reason to follow my personalitie's orders, because it didn't work. It hasn't worked.
I can go forever. Explaining every single fucking piece of this blog because I always have to "justify" everything. I always have to literally break down every single thing that I do to speak of it because all that comes at me is falling against me. I always feel like I have to fight back.
It's getting ridiculous. For there once was a time that all if this was just "me". I didn't have to reveal a back story behind it. I didn't have to explain it. I didn't have to justify it.
That time is gone. I'm not even making sense with what I write because I'll always have to explain it later.
Thank you everyone for creating a cold fake shell of me. When you see me being happy. It's because I literally have watched everything slipped from my hands and go out of my control.
When you see me in a good mood. It's because I'm sick of people criticizing my problems. I'm sick of people not being able to empathize. [Yet at one time. This did not matter. I did not care about this. Yet it has become to prevalent that it cannot be ignored.]
Every action I take comes back against me. Everything that I try to hold onto literally falls away. I am speaking from experience. Of what is yet to come. Its so demoralizing that I feel like I cannot attach myself to anything at this point. Because all good things come to an end.
Literally anything that could go wrong in my life. Went wrong. Yet why do you care? Because I don't. You want to reach your hand out to me? Well. I probably wont reach back. I'll just sit here with my arms crossed not even wanting to look at you in the eye. Why? Because I already know how you will look back at me. I already know what would be said to me. I already know what will be criticized. I already know what will be justified. I already know when your going to fall away.
Again. I speak from experience. I can say "try again". But for once. Will anyone just listen and not judge? Just listen and tell me something I don't know. Because you can. There are a lot of things I don't know and I'm glad that I don't. I'm blinded when it comes to many solutions. I am blinded when it comes to being comforted. That I realize are the only things that are best to hold onto, which is what I can't see. This might save me. For if I go on like this. Expect me to change a lot, expect me to have a different outlook on the world, expect me to become unrecognizable.
Which those things I am afraid of most. Yet if the dice keeps rolling like this. Well, all I can say is, I warned you. And trust me. I'm going to fight it. But if it happens, then that sucks for me. Not you.
Expect this to be edited a lot. It's 3:39 and I'm quite out of it. But what has been said. Is the base of all things that torment me.
Right now. I'm not on anybody's side. So good luck. Because I'll need it.
One last note. This post will be added on edited and whatnot, because I'm not going to post anything else that relates to me in this matter. For your benefit and....well for your benefit (see what I mean?). From now on. You will only see a figment of me, filled with happy thoughts and funny stories. Just realize that it's going to be an illusion that casts the real me aside for now. And here. I'll show you how easy I can create it. Just look at the post above.
You want a list? No. You don't yet I don't give a shit. I don't care who reads this why? Because this is the last time I'm going to say it.
I have lost the cabin.
A best friend.
My ability to reason
My health
My house
My faith in trust
Being able to care
My trust in my Fraternity
Being able to take criticism
My religion
My car
My motivation
Hope
Comfort
The list goes on. There's an explanation to it all. Yet. Can I say anything to anyone? No. I have spared any sense to justify this. Why? Because I'm tired of it all. I have internalized this because all I ever hear from anyone is the same damn thing. Everyone sounds the same.
I bunch everyone together because any voice that could possibly stand out is overshadowed, it becomes weak and unable to be heard, because I have heard it all.
Can someone tell me something that I haven't already thought about? No. I sit here thinking if only someone could understand me, and I've tried that. I've tried to make someone understand me. Yet. Even that is gone.
I give up on trying to spell out my name to someone because I'm just "one with problems" and everyone has them.
But for once in a Blue Moon can someone just step back from everything that they stand on, and step onto what is crumbling beneath me. Just to understand what I'm going through. To be there to talk. To listen. To not judge. Can someone do the fucking same thing I have been trying to do for other people?
For all of my life. I never cared about my problems when someone else's came into view. I let myself go away from what I was going through, and it didn't matter what. I was unconditional to people. It just didn't matter to me what was going on inside if it ment that person would be given a silver lining of comfort.
Parents can only do so much. I can only say so many things to prevent them from being parents at the moment and just an individual. I cannot talk about everything because I "know" what will be said. I know the type of criticism. I know the type of advice.
This is breaking me. The very thing I stand for. The very things I value. Are crumbling beneath me. Yet all this time I tried to step away from it, because the people that were close to me were the ones I valued. I didn't have to move from where I was. Because being selfless was the very thing I stood upon. Now I see no reason to follow my personalitie's orders, because it didn't work. It hasn't worked.
I can go forever. Explaining every single fucking piece of this blog because I always have to "justify" everything. I always have to literally break down every single thing that I do to speak of it because all that comes at me is falling against me. I always feel like I have to fight back.
It's getting ridiculous. For there once was a time that all if this was just "me". I didn't have to reveal a back story behind it. I didn't have to explain it. I didn't have to justify it.
That time is gone. I'm not even making sense with what I write because I'll always have to explain it later.
Thank you everyone for creating a cold fake shell of me. When you see me being happy. It's because I literally have watched everything slipped from my hands and go out of my control.
When you see me in a good mood. It's because I'm sick of people criticizing my problems. I'm sick of people not being able to empathize. [Yet at one time. This did not matter. I did not care about this. Yet it has become to prevalent that it cannot be ignored.]
Every action I take comes back against me. Everything that I try to hold onto literally falls away. I am speaking from experience. Of what is yet to come. Its so demoralizing that I feel like I cannot attach myself to anything at this point. Because all good things come to an end.
Literally anything that could go wrong in my life. Went wrong. Yet why do you care? Because I don't. You want to reach your hand out to me? Well. I probably wont reach back. I'll just sit here with my arms crossed not even wanting to look at you in the eye. Why? Because I already know how you will look back at me. I already know what would be said to me. I already know what will be criticized. I already know what will be justified. I already know when your going to fall away.
Again. I speak from experience. I can say "try again". But for once. Will anyone just listen and not judge? Just listen and tell me something I don't know. Because you can. There are a lot of things I don't know and I'm glad that I don't. I'm blinded when it comes to many solutions. I am blinded when it comes to being comforted. That I realize are the only things that are best to hold onto, which is what I can't see. This might save me. For if I go on like this. Expect me to change a lot, expect me to have a different outlook on the world, expect me to become unrecognizable.
Which those things I am afraid of most. Yet if the dice keeps rolling like this. Well, all I can say is, I warned you. And trust me. I'm going to fight it. But if it happens, then that sucks for me. Not you.
Expect this to be edited a lot. It's 3:39 and I'm quite out of it. But what has been said. Is the base of all things that torment me.
Right now. I'm not on anybody's side. So good luck. Because I'll need it.
One last note. This post will be added on edited and whatnot, because I'm not going to post anything else that relates to me in this matter. For your benefit and....well for your benefit (see what I mean?). From now on. You will only see a figment of me, filled with happy thoughts and funny stories. Just realize that it's going to be an illusion that casts the real me aside for now. And here. I'll show you how easy I can create it. Just look at the post above.
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Last of the Wilds
I hate being angry, I hate being frustrated. I drives me, it pains me.
I can hide it and have a good time as the days pass, but at the end of it all, I feel like I just want to punch a wall.
It's a sickly feeling, stuck in my stomach. I don't know how to describe it, but the situations I am in. It's a clusterfuck. It's situations that is making me go crazy, because I don't know how to resolve it.
Honestly, the one person I could go, is now part of the problem. I keep every day off my shoulder, hoping I can just get by. Yet it beats me down, and I don't know how to get back up.
It will resolve itself eventually, yet I want to resolve it with the least scars as possible. It would be nice.
Even Alice in Wonderland would be shaking her head to how fucked up this story is...
I can't be driven by anger. I'm too much of a caring person to live by that fact. Yet its taking over me.
But don't think this is something thats preaching like "Oh gawd someone help me I can't hold on any longer"
no. im strong. its just difficult. a lot of people know these situations and how hard it is to get out of. so i just keep going. i reason. i rationalize. i listen. i learn. i resolve it.
its because i have a heart, though it may be cold. it still beats. one day it will warm up again. but that day is lost in the fog at the moment. so its just a matter of striving forward. keeping strong.
because even the people you thought were close to you can be the furthest away sometimes...
sad.
I can hide it and have a good time as the days pass, but at the end of it all, I feel like I just want to punch a wall.
It's a sickly feeling, stuck in my stomach. I don't know how to describe it, but the situations I am in. It's a clusterfuck. It's situations that is making me go crazy, because I don't know how to resolve it.
Honestly, the one person I could go, is now part of the problem. I keep every day off my shoulder, hoping I can just get by. Yet it beats me down, and I don't know how to get back up.
It will resolve itself eventually, yet I want to resolve it with the least scars as possible. It would be nice.
Even Alice in Wonderland would be shaking her head to how fucked up this story is...
I can't be driven by anger. I'm too much of a caring person to live by that fact. Yet its taking over me.
But don't think this is something thats preaching like "Oh gawd someone help me I can't hold on any longer"
no. im strong. its just difficult. a lot of people know these situations and how hard it is to get out of. so i just keep going. i reason. i rationalize. i listen. i learn. i resolve it.
its because i have a heart, though it may be cold. it still beats. one day it will warm up again. but that day is lost in the fog at the moment. so its just a matter of striving forward. keeping strong.
because even the people you thought were close to you can be the furthest away sometimes...
sad.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
It's All Tangible [7]
So I must change direction in this blog. I cannot continue to write my feelings because they all resolve to the same thing.
I will write one more thing about my situation. But not now. It's more of a perception of what is going to be changing a lot in a few days time.
Which now I will get back to reading my philosophy as I have a test tomorrow.
Cheers.
I will write one more thing about my situation. But not now. It's more of a perception of what is going to be changing a lot in a few days time.
Which now I will get back to reading my philosophy as I have a test tomorrow.
Cheers.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
That Is My Fucking Reason
You just said you want to know whats on my mind. You just said you hated what I told you. You didn't like the fact that I knew something about you and Derick. The thing is. That's whats on my mind. I don't live to think about those things. It was a mechanical click that pieced another fucking puzzle.
I don't live to need to know those things. That's just who I am. I'm sorry if I figure things out that you don't want me to know. The thing is this:
Living to tell people about who they are is not something I like to do. Why? Because I don't need to have people telling me who I am.
And that's why I fucking keep it from you.
I don't live to need to know those things. That's just who I am. I'm sorry if I figure things out that you don't want me to know. The thing is this:
Living to tell people about who they are is not something I like to do. Why? Because I don't need to have people telling me who I am.
And that's why I fucking keep it from you.
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